I really hate some commercials

Who are all these folks
keeping the fungus ad aired?
Go buy fucking soap.

on a stroller ride
filling in alphabet blanks
is your future boss

she war

condescending friend
who sees only defects in
almost everyone

I believe you have my stapler.

Been here for six years,
nearly. Yet I can't get you
to learn my real name.

a statement of what to do that must be obeyed by those concerned

putting. pudding. plays.
terms on words. like known events.
announcement done crash.

teenage fbi

the truth is out there
though the hivemind is convinced
nothing has meaning

ms. nature kindly
cleaned bird shit blasts, but parking
tickets are final

unlucky uncle

serendipity
permeates his existence
circuitously

for dale evans

i was awesome too
dwayne, all of us who made it
faded into shades

of our former selves
reserved on benches after
age broke down our spring

Design patterns

Hierarchical
navigation: nested lists.
Call them when needed.

memorial day pt. ii

neighbors: enemies
possessions: provocations
among the displaced

In the time of the miraculous

I am a Deme-
trious, I wish to scien-
tologize you (me).

happy memorial day!

gas up the hummer
drive through the arboretum
eat at mcdonald's

philip rahv's advice to f. scott fitzgerald

you cannot hide from
a hurricane under an
umbrella, fella

the drunken chef

undercooked frozen
pizza with canadian
bacon, pineapple

E-mail from Belfort

Last night I had a
dream about Haiku-U. You
guys had added all

of these amazing
graphics to the website. There
was this opening

sequence of fields and
frying pans and falling words
forming perfect haikus.

like kohoutek

michael built a bridge
michael tore it down, mumble
mutter, um, murmer

bees bark in the night
at the sight of the sound, so
sayeth the soothful

inspired by reinvestigations of everyone's favorite artificial sweetener, aspartame

the FDA looks
the other way as Searle poisons
well with fake sugar

inbred lobbyists,
politicians, scientists
whitewashing results

one wonders why such
systems exist if not to
protect citizens

learning at the dock of the bay

little wisconsin
kids flip off the pier, yelling
"dude, keep reading, dude!"

Did you know?

limit self-pleasure
and experience increased
sexy dream response

wiggle-waggle

so i mailed my friend
fat albert rotunda and
he's got the sessions

I Can't Quit You

wheat bread, miracle
whip, swiss cheese, romaine lettuce,
pickle slices = yums!

argument against existence preceding essence

the reassurance
that comes from performance, that
borrowed confidence

May 24, 2006, 6:44 PM CDT

holy fucking sheets
of pouring, pouring water.
nothing's visible.

you're busted, panty snatcher

she thinks your colon
is full of fecal matter
but i know better.

death wish

oh lord when i go
let greg grill me, serve me with
creamed corn, wisco brews

Variety Whets My Whistle

OMMFG!
LGBTGIF!
OBGYN!

(second line shamelessly stolen from ryan)

a force field surrounds
the lucky, the shallow, so
thick they think they're deep

little do they know
everybody else thrives on
their blithe good fortune

amid pyramid schemes

forgiveness and shame
aim to secure on my space
self-righteousness rights

"we look at the guy in the mansion and say 'i'm gonna get that bastard'"

bono's gonna kick
the dark till it bleeds daylight,
just not on conan

A spree of all the things we do when we can

No you are. You are.
Hope backed down and look, you have
to decide. Hope's free.

Never the needle in your arm

Your so precious and.
A great big hallelujah
will be said tonight.

petra's least favorite joke

only animal
that tops pomeranians?
momeranians!!!

I don't blame you. You've been around the world on one stop. You simply deserve the best.

Just keep your glory,
goals, and glitter. That's how luck
would have it. Portend.

how to attract dirty old men

resist change and the
body stays small, concealed by
sway backed, baby fat.

Your numbers are right (but your wrong)

Forget everything
I said. Steve Nash is the best
player hands down.

http://local.yahoo.com/details?id=28942985 or advice to daughters of newly single parents

don't stalk your stepmom
unless you are prepared to
vomit in your tub.

Is the action still action when the action is just text?

NBA gamecast,
damn this world of pay t.v.
It's not quite the same.

matthew fowkes

there's a man who'd beat
his children having tricked some
trixie into them

RIP Gilbert Sorrentino

mulligan stew should
be on that new york times best
of whatever list

EatyourheartoutBurnfaceLarry

If Grampa's burnface

Could talk, it would say "Hello!

Wanna see my BURRRRRRRN?"

-Mel Engman

reverse musical chairs (from the lost scrapbook)

start with one person,
one chair. end with eight of each,
all of them winners.

How to Feel Like Yourself Again

First make zucchini
cakes, then get nose burned with hot
oil, then snap a pic

forget the major and go up the town

exorcism or
t bickle breakdown tantrum
burning bridges heals

not even summer yet

brat kebobs, the french
don't know "madame bovary,
c'est moi" or their beer

in my house (where you might find scraps of paper that read 'blood work disease of lungs kidney disease brain «')

under pressure your
vessels burst tiny organs
unlettered in death.

Nothing to do with you but can we have a imaginary pillow fight

How I tried to get
in touch with a K.Keclik.
Redesign this Kel.

counsel of the radiant fractals

never be over
the top unless you can laugh
with the view beneath

the other cheek

i love the people
who mistake glum soullessness
for some dark glamour

chapter two begins!

"printing or crosstalk?"
a scanner darkly's just like
poe's "william wilson"!

if i weren't a christian scientist dolphin i'd be dead by now

fingers will always
try to play grown up with that
fucking crystal ball.

promises to petra

if your kidneys fail
we will stay in the lazy
river forever.

the cassandra of coincidence

it's weird how subtle
at the time, but clear later,
that magic happens

My slow metamorphosis

you are lucky I
am going bald. otherwise
I would grow a bun

miss dis dismissed me
as the acting "yes, waitress"
fan club president

revealing dreams

i won't critique the
pharmacology of sleep
answers therein lie.

Criticism of criticism of the iPodders

Never seen such an
arrogant academic
call folks arrogant.

I'm sure I need a refill

Grandma blow me a
kiss. It got stolen grandma
blow me another one.

mother's day conflict

ooooh nooooooooo! sentenced to
pomeranian bootcamp!
why stop projecting?

eerie indiana

flip-flopped britt topped boy's
best bowling, but she don't know
why life's so boring

the eraser (or, i can't email from where i am (g-damn popups and such))

supposedly this
july thom yorke's releasing
solo album 1

bullshit promotion
who after all ever won
ghostface's old robe

found haikus regarding sasha frere-jones' and jessica hopper's accusations that recent experience music project pop conference keynote speaker stephen

merrit (of the magnetic fields) is a racist (or, an epic for annie, title included)

OMG Hopper
picks a senseless fight for no
reason WHAT A SHOCK

and therefore it is
THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE IN
ALL OF MUSIC CRIT

hopper's fatwas are
becoming a running gag,
but just not funny

sfj's blog i
still read I guess but who cares,
blog's a blog's a blog

and merritt is more
on panels than making songs
at this point it seems

why would slate run this
"article" about nothing,
by some who's-that guy?

I guess I just think
Merritt's been asking for this
with lists and statements

and Hopper's so quick
to give him YE OLDE SMACKDOWN
that it's just as weak

it's the perfect storm
of two people who should have
so much else to do

A mile high my oh my

my reply to you
Annie is simply take more
of that ipecac

Listen Jerks

how am i supposed
to get through a bizbot day
without your haikus?

Hiatus You Ku

Dear humanity:
honey, have you saved yourself?
You never call us.

ode to state street spraypainter

i'm worried- is that
sufficiently floydian?
how about two moons?

Found Haiku (at the flea market on the back of the packaging of imitation Sharpie pens (Staunion) made in china (cost one dolla))

• FECAP WHEN. NOT IN USE
• NEUTRAL, SMELL LIGHTFAST
• QUICK DRYING WATER PROOF

-fro klaver, special guest in nashvegas

typos while transcribing poems

fast becomes feast, thin
becomes thick, Eve as in X-
Mas is now Ever

Victorian Novel

Is it already
time to draw the curtains, my
darling? It's just noon.

when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade

but when life forgets
the sugar your lemonade
will probably suck.

While sad it seems

We run the risk of
being accused. Susie, throw it
out of the window.

headline following the impossibly quick sale of aaron b's house

house sold snappier
than a piece of chocolate
melting on your crotch.

self-medicating

take your ipecac
gear up for a long summer
the trees will lean south

i love junk mail

at long last i've earned
membership to the order
of the serpentine

I have seen the lights so close to the wire.

My interstellar
crash. I'm on the plane and
K. Keclik calls me.

boo to the new grocer

better butter but
baby, we still needs to shop
down at the old mart

master of disguise

greg's new pickup scheme:
that's a wedding yarmulke.
-will you marry me?

found internet haikus about colbert's telling off the great decider at the w.h. press correspondents' dinner

wait so did he kill
or did he bomb? me confused
(and did not see it)

____

Colbert gave George Bush
an opportunity to
laugh along with him,

but Bush cannot face
any criticism (and
neither can his wife).

All he had to do
was go "Zing, you got me dude",
then it's all a joke --

Because he didn't,
it looked like a bloodbath, and
that's what he deserves.

____

being afraid of
an angry potentate is
kind of old-fashioned

____

it was colbert's win,
well, his and his writing staff's
(helen thomas too)

An insider to a secret

momentarily
don't tell anyone I am
possibly alarmed

i would like to dedicate this naughty librarian haiku to camp muncie '06

i took my boyfriend
to the fourth floor of bracken
and made him a man.